The Stories Behind my Art
I’m Thankful to God for the gift of being an artist, and being able to create stories from my personal life experiences. Life is a journey and there are a lot of situations that all people have in common. I’m bless that I get to share some of my personal stories with all of you!
Shoot Your Shot
Life is filled with choices that can lead you to having a successful life or having a life of struggle. For me growing up in the Bronx, New York was about making sure I made the right decisions that were going to lead me to a great life, where all of my dreams became my reality.
My life was extremely challenging and my journey resulted in a lot of tears. The tears of pain, insecurities towards myself, the fear of not being good enough, and tears because the competition for success was so far out of my reach. I knew that I wanted a successful life but because of the many obstacles that came my way such as, lack of finances, limited opportunities, depression, anxiety, and even struggling with finding the right people to help guide me along the path. Even though I had many reasons to quit and give up, I knew my future was too valuable to settle for an average life.
So through all of my obstacles, I chose to fight and I had to keep getting up every time I fell. The determination in me was on fire (in the Bible fire represents the presence of God) and gave me the courage to get out of my comfort zone and work, work work! Failing isn't an option and I've learned how to win because, one I believe in a God who ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! and second I believe in myself! So Shoot Your Shot and keep trying until you get it in!
ReBorn
I was born into a Christian household where I was taught that God was the priority of our life. I was told that without God it was impossible to live a happy life because we were born into a sinful, and broken world. A world where people knew right from wrong but still made choices to do the wrong things. Having God in my life meant I was going to be well protected, have internal joy, and be able to succeed in all areas of my life. I believed that until I began struggling with my mental health.
I battled with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. These mental struggles came into my life in my early teens and although I believed in God, I no longer felt His protection, His love, or any of the good things I was told about God. If God cared for me why was I dealing with depression, anxiety, and waking up every day wanting to end my life? The depression went zero to a hundred real quick, landing me in the emergency room for overdosing on my anti-depression medication. I was in so much emotional pain and agony that I was determined to leave this world. Where was God? They had a section in the ER for people who were on suicide watch. Even though I was in distress I noticed another girl around my same age who seemed worse off than I was. This girl was screaming and trying to fight everyone she came in contact with in the emergency room. Eventually, the doctor made me promise to never attempt suicide again because he was going to send me to the crazy ward. So I made my promise and was allowed to go back home. As I waited in the ER room waiting for my ride to come to pick me up, the girl who was suicidal, screaming and trying to fight everyone said to me; I wish I was going home too. It was extremely awkward. I tried to avoid responding but something inside of me (The Holy Spirit) made me respond to her and I told her that she will be going home soon. I told her that everything was going to be okay and that she was going to win every battle that was trying to take her to the break of death. I ended up praying for her before my ride arrived to take me back home. Before I knew it the same girl that came into the ER yelling and fighting was calm, loving, and filled with laughter.
It was at this moment that I realized that God used the bad situation that I was facing and showed me how to become a blessing to someone else. When I left the ER to go home I was proud of myself for being able to help encourage that young lady, I no longer had the desire to end my life. I felt “ReBorn”. God was there the whole time and was watching over me, like a good parent watching over their baby as they sleep. God is GOOD!
Metro Dystrict
Waking up at 6am to make it work by 8am. The sleepiness in your eyes as you get out of bed, yawning and stretching. You quickly hop into the shower, brush your teeth, and do your hair. Thankfully you ironed your clothes the day before, so all you have to do is put them only. You grab your bag and head out the door. You have to catch the train to work or school, and must catch the first train to make it on time. Before you get to the station you stop at your local corner store for your regular breakfast order of a large coffee, a bacon egg and cheese, and the local newspaper.
As you leave the store you can feel the ground rumbling from the train station that is a block away. It’s now 6:45 am. You run up the stairs to the train station and stop to buy your train ticket, in NYC we call it a MetroCard. Then as your train ticket comes out of the machine you feel that train platform rumbling because the train is approaching the station. You swipe the ticket and go through the turnstile. The ten-ton, the ten-car train arrives at your station the doors open and you get on and head to work or school. The train is packed and the atmosphere is filled with the smell of food, people's morning breath, urine from the homeless, music being blasted from the headphones of the person standing next to you, and sounds of people talking. There are eight stops left before you get to your stop and your feet are hurting from standing up for such a long time.
When the train pulls into the next train stop, people are pushing to get off of the train, and others are pushing to get onto the train. Getting a seat is nearly impossible and by the time you finally find a seat, the train arrives at your stop to get off. You walk up three flights of stairs from the train platform, walking outside and down the block. You have made it to work or school on time. This is the life of “Metro Dystrict”.
Unlockable Heartache
Have you ever experienced so much emotional pain in your life that you wondered, how is it that your heart is still beating? I would wonder how my heart was able to hold so much heartbreak and not result in a heart attack. Anxiety is a real struggle for many people, and personally, I have been fighting anxiety since I was 14 years old.
Anxiety would cause me to build up walls around my heart and guard it to prevent people from hurting me. At times it felt like my heart was a magnet to pain and I would wonder if I could ever find the key to unlock my broken heart. I was ashamed of feeling so miserable because I knew that I had a lot to be thankful for. I experienced a lot of friendships that ended, and I was very distant from my family emotionally. I began to have a hard time dealing with people in general because the anxiety would make me feel like everyone I came into contact with was against me. The thought of the world being against me led to depression and all I wanted to do was sleep all day long. I isolated myself from friends, family, and society. I developed a new mindset of not needing people and was okay with living life with me, myself, and I.
Most people would get to this position in their life and hate it, they would see it as being lonely. I saw it as the less people that I had to deal with the better my would be. I didn’t have to hear anyone complaining or their criticisms, I didn’t have to be compassionate, I didn’t have to share anything that I had with anyone, and being able to just do whatever I wanted to do; when I wanted to was the icing on the cake for me. My life was drama free because I kept every one I knew at a distance. Dealing with childhood trauma was another cause of my broken heart, and like many it has gone untreated for years.
The pain was causing issues in every area of my life because I refused to put myself in positions where people could hurt me. I was so busy trying to protect myself that I didn’t realize that the same walls that I built around my heart to keep for being hurt, were the same walls keeping me trapped in my pain. Learning to tear down the walls that I build over the year is the hardest part about healing, but I had to decide that I deserve to be free. The only way that I can be free is to let go and LET GOD!
The Blessing
Once upon a time I believed that being blessed meant having a lot of money, being able to wear the most expensive brands, to drive around in exotic cars and traveling the world. Then I noticed that their were people who had everything that they could ever want or need and they were still miserable. Placing the idea of what a blessing looks like in material things that come and go would only led to depression. I wanted my blessings to be internal.
The blessing of having the spirit that was free of toxic behaviors and devious motives. I wanted to be able to walk in a room and the presence of God shine through me. I have always had the heart for helping other people, but as I grew older the hurt people brought to me, no longer made me want to help people. My intentions were never to be selfish but when you have a heart full of wounds it’s difficult to love people. Being a Christian woman means doing all things to please God and to bring God glory. So I had to learn how to love those who do me wrong. I had to bless those that cursed me and turn my cheek towards my enemies who wanted to harm me.
The blessing in being a child of God, was realizing that I wasn’t doing this difficult life on my own, God was always with me. God has sent His angels to surround His people and to protect them. I drew this angel to symbolize the love of God and his angels that help guide us on our journey. I now look towards being the blessing in other people’s lives, when I have the chance to. Seeing the smile on people's faces is the reward for being “The Blessing” in my opinion. What I have also learned is that when we become a blessing for other people, God pours out His blessings in our lives in return. We are only blessed so that we can become a blessing. That is what it means to live life in abundance.
Exodus 23:20(NIV)
20 “Behold, I send an Angel before you to keep you in the way and to bring you into the place which I have prepared.
Shuttle Town
Somedays I wish that I could find another planet to live on. Where no one I knew would be there. So I created this art piece, I imagined if I went to outer space and landed on the planet Neptune. Neptune was almost an exact replica of the cities on planet Earth, but would be called “Shuttle Town”.
On Shuttle Town were tall buildings and skyscrapers all over. The streets were paved and had the same marked dividers that any street in a city would have. Instead of their being yellow cabs to get around, Neptune had space shuttles as its transportation. The space shuttles ran on electricity instead of gas. All of the vehicles on Neptune only used electricity as fuel. The main difference was that because the city was in space, there was no day or night.
The sky was filled with the site of the other planets in the solar system, along with the sun, moon, and stars. Oh, what a site! There were medical offices, post offices, buildings for business, apartment buildings, and even schools. The currency for living in Shuttle Town would be STD which stands for Shuttle Town Dollar. Ten United States Dollars would equal twenty Shuttle Town Dollars. The time in Shuttle Town wouldn’t be measured in days. It is estimated in years. One hour on planet Earth equals seven years on "Shuttle Town City." Every seven years is celebrated compared to everyone year on planet Earth.
Can you picture this? This is just a quick illusion to keep your minds wandering . Imagination is a great way to release yourself from stress, anxiety or any other mental strongholds. I hope that this art piece takes you on an adventure!
Diverse Ethnicity
Not one of us were given a choice of what race we wanted to be or what ethnic background we were to be born into. So why hate people for being what they didn’t choose to be? That’s like a disliking a cheetah because it has spots. Growing up in New York City race wasn’t a big dilemma because most people in my neighborhood were from different backgrounds, cultures and ethnicities.
In the area where I lived people were too focused on working at getting to higher income brackets to dislike people for their skin color. My apartment building had sixty other apartments of people mixed with all different descents. I enjoyed walking through the neighborhoods because the aroma of Chinese food, African food, Indian Food, Mexican food, Spanish food, Italian food, and Jamaican food all mixed together was a delight. There were so many different dishes from different cultures to choose from living in the Bronx. I learned a lot from living and going to school with people of different ethnicities, learning about how different their customs were was very educational. I was granted the privilege of grasping knowledge about these variety of people, without having to go to their country.
In my opinion skin color doesn’t matter because it’s about what is in a persons heart that makes the difference. If we were all the exact same, this world would be boring. I admire the different ethnicities and I believe that we all should. God created us to be who we are on purpose. The LORD doesn’t make mistakes, which means that the difference in race, ethnicity, culture, and appearance was needed in His perspective. It’s our difference that makes us unique. We should learn from other cultures and be more open to new ways of living. I embrace the “Diverse Ethnicity” because In my opinion, the is only one race and that is the human race.
I Got You!
Sometimes in life, we feel like we are alone. There were many days and nights that I have felt unloved and like no one cared about me. I struggled with anxiety and depression for many years, no matter what I did the depression would not leave me. It was like a dark cloud that followed me everywhere I went. Darkness and my toxic emotions began to invade my life to the point where I had pushed away all of the people that I loved. I was ashamed of my struggles and didn’t want people to know what I was going through.
My heart would get broken over and over again by people that I thought loved me, which made me build up walls around my heart. The wall that I had surrounding my heart were so high, that not even God could get in. Even when I wanted to opened up about my weaknesses and I tried to invite people into my heart, my attempts would fail. If I'm honest I would intentionally cause those connections to end because I was so used to getting my heart broken by people, I was already expecting the new connections to do more damage to my wounded heart. Thankfully I had to learn to focus on God, in order to get my heart put back together. God is patient! God is love! God is kind! God promises to never leave nor to forsake us. I had to allow God to hold my tears in His hands and renew my heart.
Life is a journey and because we live in a broken world, we will go through hard moments. Many people are walking around with broken hearts, and some people hide their brokenness due to shame or embarrassment. We must learn that there is no shame in being broken and hurt. When we choose to hide our struggles it only makes the wounds deeper, making our lives chaotic. The good news is that we get to give out pain to God. God will turn our tears into testimonies, but only if we allow God to be God and step out of His way!
Galaxy World-Wind
Call me crazy, but one day I was daydreaming and wondered to myself. What if I saw a shooting star and used my telescope to follow it into the universe to see where it was going? As I looked through the telescope, the Galaxy filled with hundreds of different planets. Each planet had different colors and different sizes. These planets were filled with the dreams and hopes that I wanted. Each planet with a dream attached to it also had a time frame for when that dream would be released into my life. There were also other planets with other people's dreams on them, but I couldn't see what their actual dreams were. I could only see what my actual dreams were. Even the dreams that I haven’t yet thought of were there. Each planet had a different dream attached to it.
During this imagination, I could imagine the universe having clouds with eyes on them. The clouds represented God's protection and were responsible for ensuring that the dreams were sent to us at the correct times. The Galaxy was full of these planets. There were computers with stars representing the task we would have to complete to receive our dreams at the appointed time. For some reason, I had hundreds of stars, which meant it would take a lot of work and dedication to achieve each dream. Imagination is fun! The water was there for everyone who gave up on their dreams. For those who settled for comfort instead of accepting the challenges and pushing through life. That was enough encouragement to make sure that I never gave up on my assignments. I wanted all my dreams to come true. Are you willing to do what it takes to release your dreams?
Tears of Uncertainty
There is nothing more frustrating than not knowing the future, and having to always wonder. Sometimes it would be nice to have goals that were guaranteed to happen. How do you plan a great life with so much uncertainty? In fact, the weather is even uncertain. Growing up, I was always told to dream big and take big risks. I was determined to make sure that my dreams would one day become my reality. The only problem was it was uncertain if my dreams would really come true.
Even with hard work and dedication, my goals would get rerouted and sometimes even canceled. The "Tears of Uncertainty" would fill my heart because I didn't want to work so hard just to fail. I had specific tasks in place to make sure that I stayed determined and focused to ensure that my life was going in the direction of my dreams. Day after day the uncertainty would become my thorn in the flesh. I would worry and become doubtful even after I had accomplished a goal.
Uncertainty is so irritating!!! This is the moment where I had to learn to start placing my trust in God's hands and to stop worrying about what I could not control. God has promised to complete everything that He had begun in His people, that includes the dreams He has given us. When we let go and let God we can trust that our Tears of Uncertainty will lead to tears of joy!
Unrealistic Happiness
This world gives the illusion that happiness comes from the amount of money that you make, being able to own the largest houses, driving the most luxurious cars, and to be able to buy whatever you want. But is that real happiness? What happens when life gets hard and you end up losing every material possesion that you have ever gained? How long does your happiness before you have to once again seek outside validation? Now there is nothing wrong with having material possessions but I don’t believe that happiness should come as a result of having those things.
Some people live their whole life trying to find the greener grass on the other side, when really if they truly knew what happiness was, they would realize that the greener grass is about their perspective. The grass started as a seed that was planted and through stages, it grew and became greener and greener. My opinion on happiness is that it should come from within, and not outside sources. As someone who has dealt with depression and anxiety since the age of 14, I have learned that my happiness is my responsibility. Anything that comes into my life should be adding to the happiness that I already have inside my soul. For years I have had nothing but uphill battles and oppression. It seemed like there was a grey cloud that followed me everywhere, no matter how sunny the day was the cloud was present. I would pray to God for the rain to go away and to allow me to experience more sunny days.
Through prayer and spending time with God, I was given a revelation that it was my perspective that made the grey clouds in my life more significant than it was. I had to shift my focus and know that rain or hurricane my happiness had to be stronger within. My thoughts had to stay positive no matter the seasons that I would have to endure. Once I learned that money, fame, shoes, clothing, luxury cars, relationships, houses, and any other outside influence didn’t give me my happiness. I then realized that the greener grass, was me knowing my worth and knowing that I no longer had to live in the bondage of “Unrealistic Happiness”.
Distorted Reality
Sometimes in my darkest moods, I would wonder if there was life on any other planet so I could pack my things and move there. Move to a planet like Venus or Mars where I knew no one and start a new life. A life debt-free. A life where your credit score didn't dictate whether you received a house or car or your status as a human being. I would wonder if there was another place in this universe that would take away all the stress, depression, and tension I was feeling. A place where people were actually polite and had manners, like saying thank you when someone opened the door for you or saying excuse me when trying to get past you. I needed an escape from my reality. The number of tears I have cried has been enough to fill a river, and I was out of tears. I became numb. Life got really hard and my mental health was failing me. I felt like I was stuck in a world where nothing made sense. The people were unreliable and mean towards me.
At one point my view of life became very toxic and distorted. I thought that the only thing I did wrong was to show up in this world. Why wasn't I a stillborn or never a thought to begin with? I thought I should have played dead after my mother pushed me out, but somehow, I probably would have failed at that. I would probably hiccup while the doctor gave me CPR, and they would think I was a miracle baby or something like that. Great things were happening for my family members and friends, but not me. I wanted to be happy for them, but because I was in such a dark place, I didn't even know what it meant to look like I was happy for them. My mouth smiled, but the rest of my face remained as stiff as a wall.
Finding joy in life takes courage. I would lie if I told you that everything in my life is better, but one thing that I am determined about is finding my place in this world. I have fallen down so many times, but something in my spirit keeps telling me to get back up and try again. To go find a new door. To push towards the mark to find the gold. I know I am alive for a reason, and somehow I will find my way out of this " Distorted Reality ."Never give up.